THE OUTSIDERS
“Is there any way you can pick her up?” My wife asked a bit on the stressed side. “Sure,” I said, “I can pick her up, when?” Then came the “ah-hah” moment for her anxiety, “Now!” She answered. I don’t usually pick up our youngest from school and had conveniently forgotten about the madhouse it can be.
On my way to pick up my daughter I had to pass a middle school… check that. Make that navigate another school. It was a traffic jam – people parked in places the signs warned them not to, cars cutting in front of other cars, kids being corralled into the cross walk and a stressed out volunteer crossing guard.
I knew from the years of hauling the girls back and forth from schools that the crossing guard was a fill-in. The panic and wear in the late afternoon along with the high heels were a dead give away. I stopped, waiting for the kids and painfully slowly walking crossing guard to clear out along with the cars with a better pole position in front of me.
As I waited I studied the scenario… I remember those years… the freedom and independence that comes with that age. I watched the kids yelling, laughing, crowded in the groups they would come to be associated with… if they were lucky… The groups got smaller the farther I got from the heart of the Exodus. The big groups of kids numbered around twenty. The medium-sized were five to ten kids.
There were quite a few duo’s – no girls and boys, all pals, girls with girls and boys with boys. They might very well be more blessed than are the kids in the bigger groups, they just don’t know it yet. What I know and they know, including every kid from every group, is they’re all more blessed, our from their perspective, “lucky” than the other group of kids.
The kids that are the farthest from the well named “place of learning,” are the ones who aren’t talking to anyone. They aren’t held up by talking, sharing, joking, laughing, and hanging out with friends. They are alone… they’re on the outside looking in. I witnessed the reality from a sobering perspective that day.
I never spent any precious thoughts on the lonely kids when I was their age, but an old heart melts for friendless kids now-a-days… Some of them looked a little different; shorter, taller, bigger, smaller, more mature, less mature, and most not dressed as “hip” as the other kids.
I was fortunate to live the tale of two kids when I was around their age. It didn’t feel like fortunate, it felt more like a life long punishment with a good dose of misery mixed in for good measure at the time. It was between my eighth grade and freshman year that my parents moved us from the small one school town to the big city.
I quickly transformed from being one of the loud-mouthed cocky kids to being one of the outsiders… I was fortunate to play sports, but on many occasions I’d walk toward home among the smattering of invisible kids. I didn’t know it at the time, but God used the worst possible scenario for a kid my age to bring about the desperately needed change.
I used what I couldn’t know was an opportunity at the time to never be in the big group again. The big groups are made up of kids that feel immense pressure… more than the ones who are seemingly invisible. The “hip” kids are so desperate to be in the “in” crowd, they’ll do just about anything to get in it and stay there… I know, I lived it.
That was the point in my life when I made a choice to be strong enough to be in the group of few to none and never let the other kids on the outside disappear around me. It’s amazing how saying, “Hey!” can change a day and a world of the ones on the outside who have yet to figure out how good they have it.
While my heart pulled for the outsiders as I drove by them wishing they could know that I saw them, I’m reminded that it’s the other kids insecurities that might be the saddest of all…
The ones who are really alone and just don’t know it because they’re standing in a crowd…
bill (cycleguy)
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 2:57 am
Jr. High. High School. Outsider for both. I had a few “friends”, mostly basketball players. But in reality by Christian faith and refusal to drink, drug, etc left me on the outside. When the riots were going on in the late 60s I stood inside the school with a black kid, another white one, and a Jew (Jeff Goldblum) watching the nonsense. I was glad to be on the outside. I graduated on the outside. I might have been the only one not drinking at our senior class all-nighter and at the grad parties. Glad to be an outsider. Reckon I still am to some degree, given I am a pastor. 🙂 AND I DON’T REGRET IT ONE BIT. ANY OF IT.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:49 am
Bill, that’s the story our youth need to hear. With the world so desperate to be accepted and price of admission into the “in” group leads to the destruction of souls. My heart broke that day seeing the lost sheep about to be let out to pasture…
Jillie
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 10:13 am
Really, Bill? Jeff Goldblum? THE Jeff Goldblum? I love him!
Wish I’D been a Christian during middle school and highschool! At least I would’ve known where the line was in personal behaviour. I went well off the rails in highschool, just to fit in with the ‘out’ group. I chose the slobby, druggie kids over the brainiacs. Not a good choice.
bill (cycleguy)
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 11:12 am
Yes, THE Jeff Goldblum. He used to have long hair. His father was a doctor. Was always a nice guy. Not sure he would remember me though. Our high school yearbook had us on the same page so when he hit it with Tenspeed and Brownshoe they displayed his picture. By proxy mine was there. 🙂
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:28 pm
I didn’t put two and two together, Bill! That’s so cool! You’ll have to share with us how you “schooled” him on the court!
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:08 pm
That free will is a double edged sword isn’t it, Jillie? It hurts everyone including ourselves… How sweet the redemption is…
April
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 9:23 am
I was an outsider in school. It really bothered me then, but not so much now 🙂
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 5:57 pm
Being on the outside of that circle is the safest place that God can place us sometimes. Funny how now the people will look up to you as the strong one. God has a way of redeeming and blessing most things. Thanks, April. Now your stuck in this crowd!!! could be worse! I’m likin’ this crowd…
tcavey
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 9:37 am
WOW, very insightful and so honest.
It reminds me of some people I’ve met over my lifetime, they are the really loud ones, always smiling/laughing/joking but it doesn’t seem to reach their eyes. They’re the loudest because they’re drowning out their own pain- refusing to acknowledge the ache inside…at least that’s how it seems to me, an outsider.
I’ve been in both groups as well and while it can be lonely on the outside, it can also be liberating to not feel the pressure the others do. It’s a blessing to be comfortable being alone and not needing anyone else to make you feel loved/worthy.
Floyd
Thursday, April 25, 2013 @ 2:31 am
Exactly, TC. It’s tough at the time, but so worth it in the long run. In the end the people follow the ones who have the strength and courage to go their own way by the power of God anyway. The straight and narrow path walked with love and humility but yet strength is powerful thing in this life. Thanks, TC.
David
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 10:06 am
I can relate. I never was in the “in” crowd, though I did my share of trying to fit in. Made a lot of poor choices, the kind of choices my “current” self would like to scream “No, don’t do it!” to that insecure teenager who didn’t see past the superficial in an attempt to be part of “them”. Lots of kids walk past my house to and from school, I’ll view the “ones” and “twos” differently thanks to your post.
It’s kind of ironic, I have a class reunion this year – haven’t been to one yet – that my wife wants us to attend (we didn’t go to school together) and I really don’t want to go. All those I wanted to hang with way back then don’t have the same magnetism they used to …..
Floyd, you have a way of writing that often manages to stir up deep buried memories and emotions. It’s a good gift. Thanks for the post(s).
Jillie
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 10:17 am
Totally agree, David. Floyd does have the gift of drawing out memories. Some we don’t want to face, and others that are a joy!
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:11 pm
Thanks, Jillie. Everyone sharing their memories I think is what makes it all come together and be so much more than just one person’s voice. I get a ton from it.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:07 pm
I know exactly what you mean by the hipsters losing that magnetism. The ones that go their own way and march to the beat of their own drum with time become the ones that attract the people in later years. I hope you attend with your wife. Funny how time has a way of taming the foolishness of youth.
I love that quote that your current self would yell to your younger version! I might say something similar, although I have to be honest, I might have to use a few choice words like “fool.” Thanks for the add, David. You always make the subject more fun and bring that wisdom that comes with time.
Jillie
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 10:30 am
Good day, Floyd! You’ve struck another chord in me. It is painful to think of all the stupid choices I made in highschool. So wanting to fit in with the ‘cool’ kids. Doing what I knew in my heart was wrong, but having just enough chutzpa to take the chance. My parents would have killed me if they knew what I was doing every day on ‘the smoker’s corner’! Thank God they never found out.
Middle school was an absolute nightmare for me! Had 2 friends–both ‘square pegs’ in the round-holed board of life–and on days when neither one made it to school, I was all alone. I didn’t have the right clothes. Didn’t have the nice hair and makeup the other girls wore. Came from the wrong side of the tracks. I was miserable and hated every single day of my two years there. Could not wait to graduate. Even then, some wealthier girls laughed at my homemade, white satin dress my Mom sewed for the occasion. I hate that school to this day.
But, I CAN say that I’ve been on BOTH sides, and the nicer kids really were the ones on the fringes. My heart goes out to the ‘square pegs’ who walk by my house each day…I have not forgotten what it was like. Thank you for this, Floyd.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:27 pm
Oh no! I’m sorry to hear that! It breaks my heart… Makes me want to do bad things to the kids and their parents… Not that I would, but there is zero reason for it. I too got made fun of some for the Levis that I wore. We each got two pairs so they got a lot of use. A kid in my science class asked me if I stood them in the corner at night…. I punched him in the gut while the teacher’s back was to us… He never made fun of me again… wish I’d handled it differently… It’s tough being a kid and my heart goes out to all of them. I want to tell each one of them how special they are, how God made them specifically and loves them… Thanks for sharing that, Jillie. I know it was used for the good of you and your family in the long run.
Lynn Morrissey
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:59 pm
Oh Jillie! I’m so sorry for your pain. I really get this.
Jason Stasyszen
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 11:50 am
I have always had a very small circle of friends and spend a lot of time alone. Like you said, both being in a crowd and being alone teach us things. It is terribly sad how many though float through life from one crowd to the next and never discover what they were made for and Who is calling their name. It all works to good if we love our God and are called according to His purposes. So glad! Thanks Floyd.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:29 pm
Great lesson, Jason. Much to be learned regardless of where we are and none is easy, one just looks more desirable… although I’d venture to say the big crowd has fared much worse than the outsiders. Great call. Thanks, Jason.
Barb Raveling
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 1:18 pm
Wow, this is so insightful, “The ones who are really alone and just don’t know it because they’re standing in a crowd…” I also had the opportunity to be in both. I became a Christian at the end of 7th grade and made a conscious decision to get out of the popular crowd – I’ve never thought of it the way you mention here – that the popular kids had more pressure. Interesting!
I feel like junior high and high school shook the confidence out of me for I don’t know how many years – at least 10, probably more. I hate to see all that clickiness – and my heart aches for the kids who don’t feel like they belong. I guess it should also ache for the kids who do feel like they belong!
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:32 pm
Exactly. You know the old adage, “Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it.” That is probably the lesson for all the insiders, but my heart breaks for the outsiders just as yours does. I want to tell everyone of them how special they are and the world is theirs to have not only what they want, but more importantly the peace and joy that comes from knowing the Father. Thanks for sharing your experiences and heart, Barb. It’s a good one…
Barb Raveling
Friday, April 26, 2013 @ 6:05 pm
I feel the same way about teenagers. That’s such a hard time of life for so many of them. I have thoroughly enjoyed teaching Bible studies and Sunday school classes for teenagers. Not doing any right now, but hope to get back to it one of these days!
Floyd
Friday, April 26, 2013 @ 7:25 pm
That is an admirable calling. I can’t think of any bigger. I coached high school girls for seven years, involved heavily for nine. I miss it. Kids are still so close to innocence. Good for you, Barb. Keep me posted.
Mia
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 1:54 pm
Dear Floyd
I used to leave home about an hour earlier than necessary to pick up my kids from school! That way I knew I would get a parking space close to the school. I used to be an outsider to for most of my secondary school years and would have done anything to be in the in crowd. When I did get the change, I soon found out that I had to let go of to much I held dear to truly fit in.
Blessings and hugs
Mia
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:34 pm
You were wise beyond your years, Mia. I think it’s a gift, especially at a young age to be able to put ourselves in another’s shoes. Wish I’d done a bit more of it. The cost was too much. I like that, well said. Thanks, Mia.
Betty Draper
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 2:27 pm
Good post brother…good to read the comments of how we all came through those teen years with vivid memories, some good, some not so good.
I ran with the “wild crowd”, the ones who skipped school…etc. The need to belong to something or a group was so strong and stayed with me till I became a Christian at 35. Thank God I stopped skipping school then…hehe…
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:36 pm
It is funny how far God has brought us! It’s truly amazing how God can use all of those times to provide wisdom in order to look ahead and help others, including our families. I might have to bring this up at a later date and time! I think we could have fun with it! Lets not tell your grandchildren just yet…
Diane
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 3:16 pm
Wow…what insight…what wisdom…
sigh…brought back memories.
Sometimes, I still feel all alone, even when standing in a crowd.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:41 pm
If you find yourself alone next time, think of the rest of your brothers and sisters. You’re not alone, just by yourself for the movement. And I think we all know how that feels. Thanks so much, Diane.
Dan Erickson
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 3:54 pm
“The ones who are really alone just don’t know it because they’re standing in a crowd.” This is great wisdom, Floyd. I was always a kid on the fringes. I could hang with the crowd, but I never felt like I was part of the crowd and my best friends were outsiders. In the end I think it’s better that way. Another great post, my friend.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:42 pm
We’re two peas in a pod, Dan. You summed me up as well. My best friends were out there and still are! Thanks, Dan.
Hazel Moon
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 6:55 pm
I chose to be alone at times. It made it easier not explain why I did not add to a lot of the nonsence. 9th grade, I walked to and from school with a boy friend. All was innocense, and I loved him and he loved me. We were so shy, we wrote notes, and never even held hands!! In High school, girl pals, until 11th and 12 grade, boy friends just good clean friends – – one in particular but he wanted to marry me, and I said NO, because I knew he would never change. He made fun of Christians. End of Senior year, I met Robert and God separated the other fellow away from me. Thank you Jesus. After graduation and several months later robert and I married, Thank you Jesus.
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 7:19 pm
That is a beautiful story with a happy ending… You are blessed, Hazel… and you’ve been a blessing as well. Probably even more than I know. Thanks for sharing that story… You know how I like a good story!
Lynn Morrissey
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 7:00 pm
Floyd, forgive brevity. Have just gotten home from a very painful meeting, and I’m drained. But I do thank you for yet another sensitive and thought-provoking post. And wow! I never ever considered how God was protecting me by placing me in the less-popular groups. You have really opened my eyes to a new perspective and to His incredible grace!
Thank you!
lynn
Floyd
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 7:22 pm
No problem, Lynn. I’m always thrilled to hear your words that have a wonderful rhythm and are intertwined with wisdom, regardless the brevity. Thanks for taking the time, my friend. Much appreciated.
Voni Harris
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 @ 7:31 pm
The thing is, that 85-90% of the time (my estimate), high school friends don’t stay in our lives; we all go our various ways and meet people with common interests other than being in the same school district.
I mean, how many of your best high school buddies are you still real friends with?
The problem is the strong peer focus teens have, given that fact. On the other hand, it is the most peer-friendly time in their lives, just before they have jobs and families and all. Testing their skills and humor and just having fun is so important.
Those lonely ones need to know the Friend Closer than a Brother! Boy, do they!
Blessings
Voni
Floyd
Thursday, April 25, 2013 @ 9:13 am
I’d say that is a pretty accurate assessment at least from my experience. That peer focus with all the world’s influences makes being on the inside a dangerous place. That said, my heart does break for the outsiders… They definitely do need a friend like a sibling… Well said, Voni. Thanks.
Lincoln Parks
Thursday, April 25, 2013 @ 10:48 am
This happens daily and the thing is when it comes to really noticing people it has to be intentional. I am not that good at this but I am working on it. When I was in school I was just like you Floyd, the loud mouth and want to be class clown. My Teachers most told me I would fail in life because of it. It wasn’t until my mom passed away that I truly learned more about life matured to the point where I am today. Connecting with others that are not in the “in” crowd can be attractive for some people even as adults because we are lacking self confidence. When you build up that self confidence the need to be with others and have them validate you goes away. Great post thanks.
Floyd
Thursday, April 25, 2013 @ 6:13 pm
As you know, we have an eery amount of things in common, Lincoln. Even in those difficult days of youth there still beat a heart with compassion we never revealed to anyone. It is a gratifying thing to lift up others, it does something supernatural inside of us. Thanks, Lincoln.
Rachael
Thursday, April 25, 2013 @ 9:16 pm
I am a middle school teacher. It is a tough age. Your post is a pretty accurate description. I try to be available for kids to come hang out in my room during breaks. The ones that come in, come in to hide. They are the ones with no friends. It is such an awkward season, just like it was for us!
Floyd
Friday, April 26, 2013 @ 7:02 am
What a wonderful calling you have, Rachael. To be there for kids and instill some sense of self worth from God’s truth is one of the grandest of all callings I think. My heart breaks for the ones that want to hide. Sadder still are the ones who never do learn to go their own way and be their own person. Thanks for sharing along with the personal insight, Rachael.
Mary McLeary
Friday, April 26, 2013 @ 9:57 am
Your post reminded me of how important and painful these years are, and few of us would want to go back and repeat them. “An old heart”, that’s full of compassion is a blessing in their lives and many kids don’t have anyone to give them that kind of wisdom and compassion. Great post!
Floyd
Friday, April 26, 2013 @ 2:03 pm
They really are painful years. Life is tough and those are the years that grind the point home. I agree, most of those kids won’t get to hear the truth about how special they are until bitterness has poisoned a delicate heart. Thanks, Mary. May we speak up when we get the chance.
Dan Black
Monday, April 29, 2013 @ 7:24 am
I’ve been their during Jr. High and most of High School. It really taught me to care and connect with the “outsiders” now and especially when I was a youth leader. Great thoughts as always.
Floyd
Monday, April 29, 2013 @ 10:31 am
Thanks, Dan. Interesting how God allows things to happen in our lives to help shape our future. You definitely are a “connector” to all groups of people. I think it’s a gift.
Dan Black
Monday, April 29, 2013 @ 11:24 am
It sure is:)
Loren Pinilis
Monday, April 29, 2013 @ 8:10 am
It’s amazing how these formative experiences can affect us for life. And it’s great to hear how God used your own past from this time period to mold you into who you are today!
Floyd
Monday, April 29, 2013 @ 10:35 am
I’m with you, Loren. We all have the opportunities to use things from our lives for wisdom or folly. As much as I didn’t like having to live through it, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Ain’t hindsight great?
Joanne Norton
Friday, May 3, 2013 @ 8:19 pm
Yep. What you described in many ways is so true. School(s), can be a challenge. Sometimes you fit in beautifully; other times you don’t fit in at all. And the changes can be immediate. Our everydayness of life can be that way with friends, family, jobs … it can change nearly immediately and we have to deal with it, adjust.
I don’t do so good … and my heart really goes out for the ones who are dealing with/struggling with everyday reality. Especially those dear kids who are just “growing”…
Floyd
Saturday, May 4, 2013 @ 2:21 pm
I’m with you, Joanne. I have so much empathy for the kids that have to go through tough times. We all had to one way or the other and eventually it brings us wisdom of the fallen world. I struggle with keeping my heart with my Father, my flesh tends toward the cynical. Thanks, Joanne.