FADING MEMORIES
As I looked at the picture of my wife and littlest one, I smiled… That was a long time ago… Although cute and heart warming, I recall a time when I remembered the faces and even the events more distinctly. I can recall a time when I remembered that time period or chapter in our lives more clearly than I do now. They’re becoming fading memories.
I recall cherishing those moments often in the past. I studied the faces of my loved ones and even memorized some of the dialogue of that time, hoping to keep the memory ever present in my drifting mind.
A creeping sadness overwhelms me… I can’t say for sure how old my wife or daughters were in those pictures. Worse yet is the fact that time has steamrolled on, leaving even more of my life in the dust of memories.
I didn’t realize, or at least took for granted, the beauty in my wife and her character. I remember seeing glimpses of her physical and personality traits in the kids. Interesting how much more clear it becomes in hindsight…
At this stage in my life, I’m beginning to sense a caption that goes along with each precious picture and memory represented within it. “Did you do enough”? In other words, “Did I do all that I could to be the person that would bring honor to God, family, and myself at the time?
The answers vary… But, since there is no perfection on this earth I probably don’t need to share any details.
As I looked over at the picture that sits 6 feet from where I study and sometimes write, I pondered a couple more things. One of those things was how or why didn’t the pictures grab me like they did the day of this writing?
I think sometimes we see things, but looking at them with our eyes and the brain not being engaged, or engaged in other matters, doesn’t allow us to really see things.
Interesting how you can see something week after week or month after month, then finally see it. I mean see with the eyes, register with the brain, jaw drop in wonder and amazement. Then comes bittersweet memories coupled with some comforting regret, pouring through the mind like water, so much so that some actually leak out the eye sockets…
The other thing I wondered is how my loved ones see the same picture… And I mean see the way I did the day of this writing, in wonder and awe of how different life is for everyone now, and the perspective that will have been gained by the actions of all the lives involved.
How will they remember their mom? She’s in most of the pictures, even when she didn’t feel in the mood or photogenic. You can’t find me in too many pictures in those days. I’ve never been a camera lover, I didn’t care for the reality of what it showed.
I thought more of myself and my desires or dislikes than I thought of my loved ones feelings… In some weird way, I sold it to myself as humility. It may have been in some aspects, but when I’m completely honest it had too much thought of me in the process.
Is that how I’ll be remembered? I hope not. Strong willed, stubborn, and intense? Oh yeah, of that I’m certain. It could be the love, innocence, and beauty I see in the old pictures of my family aren’t as easy to spot in me.
My loved ones won’t be able to see a picture of me pondering our lives in an old picture. Even if they do they won’t be able to see the life-giving love I have for them. They won’t see what a better man God molded me into because of them.
They won’t be able to see me swallow this lump in my throat…
As I turn my eyes away…
April
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 6:25 am
I know I always look at my son and wonder if I am doing enough. Praise the Lord that your kids have a dad that is striving to be sure that he is doing all that he can to point them to Christ.
Floyd
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 6:59 am
Thanks April. Trying and caring does count for. I think you nailed it with the observation of us trying to point them to Christ. I’m thinking that covers a multitude of sins…
Hazel
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 4:32 pm
You will see in your children, traits from both you and your wife. This is the season that examples become engrafted in our children. We all have the “could have,” “should have,” guilty feelings at times, but all we can actually do is our best and then leave the outcome to God. This is not the season to beat up your-self over past regrets! You are fortunate to have a wife who loves you and loves your children as well.
Floyd
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 4:44 pm
Thanks Hazel, I’m not really trying to beat myself up, I just need to remind myself of the proper order of things. It’s easy to get carried away and miss the big picture of the life God desires for me and us. I appreciate your wisdom and care, I’m listening. Thanks again.
Jo_of_TSN
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 6:31 pm
I think, in a way, we will never do enough. In all of our relationships, we are told to emulate Christ — the highest possible standard. And when we look back, it’s easy to focus on the failures: the acts of commission we should have avoided and acts of omission we should have performed instead. But in all of this: there is grace. Grace covers all our sins. And there is the future. We can’t change the past, but we can live with renewed purpose.
Floyd
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 6:49 pm
Thanks Jo, well said. I think it’s as much of realizing time is flying and I’m gonna miss the kid’s childhoods. Yeah, there is no such thing as perfection. Just the realization of our shortcomings, thank God literally for his Grace.
Anne Lang Bundy
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 7:49 pm
They won’t see what a better man God molded me into because of them.
Not always. Not always right away. But we never know which of our good footsteps will ultimately prove indelible in the lives of those we love, in the world we see but fleetingly.
Peace, Floyd.
Floyd
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 8:36 pm
Thanks Anne, peace to you as well. It is fleeting isn’t it? I think that’s the biggest problem for me… I’ve been watching with my eyes wide open and it went by as if they were closed. Welcome back to a world you’re a huge part of, loads of respect for your work.
Nancy
Wednesday, October 5, 2011 @ 9:09 pm
Hey Floyd…I must admit, I’ve done a bit of retrospecting myself lately!
At least YOU stopped and took a moment for reflection and were ready for a “character tune-up” if necessary. So many never stop. It’s like the old song, “And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon. “When you coming home, dad?” “I don’t know when, But we’ll get together then.” The the boy grew up to be just like him.
I was wondering that about Steve Jobs…and now he’s gone.
God is so good …He always continues to direct us in every season of our lives – if only we will listen. His love covers a multitude of sins ( our mis-steps and areas of ignorance).
Thanks for a pensive, thought-provoking post!
Floyd
Tuesday, October 11, 2011 @ 10:10 am
Thanks Nancy, I’m a bit like that dad in the old Harry Chapin song. I agree, many of us don’t listen or sit still long enough to hear the will of God in our lives. The tune up worked, we’ll see for how long?
jake
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 5:42 am
I wonder if I do enough for my family. And ironically enough, I skipped family dinner this week because I had to work late… so yeah. I saw them all twice last week though, that’s more than enough.
Family closeness varies from person to person. I think my family is super close and spends a lot of time together. Some of them don’t think I spend enough… but I’m content and truthfully, too much more and I’ll want to have a break. Which is what makes me feel bad. I never want to be seen as the one who never wanted to be around, so it’s definitely a game of balance!
Floyd
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 9:22 am
I was a lot like that with my family. I do hope that my kids aren’t as bad as I was. It was more difficult for me living in a different city. My guess is that we are all a little out of balance.
Voni
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 6:36 am
I guess that’s what photos are for! Praise God that each new day is a second, and third, and fourth, and fifth…and 5,283rd chance.
Blessings,
Voni
Floyd
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 9:32 am
Thanks Voni! That perfect grace that allows us, the slow, that 5,283rd is truly amazing. Blessings to you as well.
Bt
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 6:44 am
Viewing your own earthly mortality and the legacy one leaves behind with loved ones is very humbling. Your actions, words and thoughts closely mirror my own. I’ve rationalized my God given personality/traits and the decisions that have come from “it” as … One can only do what one feels is best, and then live with the outcome, God will be the final judge. Life on earth is very short when you compare it to eternity! Bt
Floyd
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 9:34 am
Thanks for the wise words BT. In the end, we can say we probably did our best, not perfect, but God knows that. And you said it with the heart of a lion, “Then live with the outcome.” There’s something to be said for a person to stand up and say that. I like that…
Jason Stasyszen
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 10:46 am
Floyd, what a reflection here. That’s digging deep, sir. And yeah, I know exactly what you mean about seeing something everyday then REALLY seeing it (or a person or place). It’s an incredible gift God has given us. Thanks for sharing this.
Floyd
Thursday, October 6, 2011 @ 12:09 pm
Thanks Jason. These are the ones that when they hit you it’s bitter sweet. Glad for the wisdom, but sad for the reality of our flesh. Probably mostly understanding that our precious time is fleeting…
Pat
Tuesday, October 25, 2011 @ 1:50 pm
I have learned that people only remember the things they want to remember about others. If they’ve been hurt, they remember that person as the perpetrator of that pain. If they’ve been neglected, they remember the person as disconnected. Likewise, if they were loved/nurtured, they remember them as loving and kind. Bottom line, I think it’s up to us to decide how we want to be remembered and strive to be that person.
If we are walking in the footsteps of Jesus, we won’t have to worry about how we’re remembered.
I love looking at old pictures. I’ve only kept the good ones, of course; the ones that have good people and good memories. It’s nice to look at them with the kids and laugh about those special days.
Great post!
Floyd
Tuesday, October 25, 2011 @ 6:53 pm
Thanks Pat, It is fun to look at them with the family, to tell the stories that go along with the pictures. What a gift from God…