CALL OF THE HEART
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My family is sleeping… As they slumber in rest, I often struggle with restlessness. Sometimes when they go to sleep, to relieve my mind, I go to the pen and paper to empty out the contents within.
Everyone I know can write, and most of them can spell light years better than me, but I write anyway… For many like me, it is akin to exercising or golfing, something we worry about living without as much as we long to live without.
We are the troubled souls who search for comfort through emotional turmoil within. We reminisce in silence, often regret things that haven’t taken place yet. We see the future and it is good, bad, and full of emotion, with no shortage of unwarranted sorrow.
God has a specific cross each of us are called to bear. A call of the heart if you will. It is His perfect will and the burden is easy, the yoke light. While we know only in His will is where we find rest, peace, and satisfaction, we sometimes buck the will of God like a wild horse.
Like Jonah, some of us run from and are unhappy with the decisions of God. I guess in my case, if I didn’t get old I would have never quit running. Like that wild stallion who finally runs out of steam and fight, worn out by the superior Master, given in after a long fight. And tired…
To release from our hearts and minds the things inside, hopefully to and for the One who resides there, we have to open the doors of those hearts and release the pain in emotion we try to hide, lock away, and pretend doesn’t exist within; the dreaded things that many of us in this life try to keep locked away and buried inside our souls.
For many of us who find that mystical comfort in emotional searching, I think is the care and our opening heart for others; the downtrodden, the weak in spirit, the lost…
The struggle within the hearts of those called to share our thoughts is deep and lifelong. The sense of gratification or satisfaction with words shared and accepted is short lived. The calling of our souls to share thoughts and words becomes like the hunger of our stomachs longing for food.
The satisfaction is temporary. Fleeting… The job is endless. There are only short amounts of time for rest within; the rest that comes after a sentence, paragraph, or chapter. Only to have the pangs like a growling stomach of our conscience yearning for more shortly thereafter.
For those with the desire to write, everything and everyone is scrutinized, looking for the lesson to be shared. Searching the eyes of strangers for their story, in hopes of sharing it with others; the ingredients used to brighten the day of someone we’ll never meet. To satisfy that longing to make a difference in this world. To quiet the groans of our souls that long to be fulfilled in that process.
One of the troubling parts of this internal conflict is not knowing if our time, although not voluntary, is time spent reaching the intent of the one sharing the thoughts. The time and sacrifice unappreciated, or the point of our story missing its mark. Like a stray arrow somehow finding its way back to pierce the heart of the archer.
The only thought worse than that would be the accolades of the world not accompanied with the will of God; words born in the flesh returning void without purpose.
Maybe there is room for one more story about the warm sun giving life to a writer’s voice on a brisk Fall afternoon.
Maybe that cool breeze God blew across the unshaven face was to clean off dejection that lingers in those whiskers. To remind those of us who share, do so for the purpose of His higher calling.
The breeze feels pretty good… I must say…
Friday, November 11, 2011 @ 8:06 am
I am one of those internal people who has always felt like a tortured soul, though God is working in that now because I, like you, finally came to a place where I ran out of steam. I feel the need to write so deeply and hate it when nothing can come out but I HAVE to write!
Friday, November 11, 2011 @ 12:12 pm
I hear you April! We share that same burden, seems as often as it is a blessing, it is also a load to carry. But you just can’t stop!
Friday, November 11, 2011 @ 5:39 pm
This is a thoughtful and cleansing post. Good thing we have spell check on our computers for I would be lost without it.
There are times when we must stand tall and declare, Liar, Liar Pants on Fire to that old devil who is tormenting us with thoughts of past mistakes and failures. We understand that God has forgotten our past and washed us clean with the precious blood of Jesus. It is only the accuser of the brethren Old Satan himself who brings up memories to taunt us.
The stories we tell are sometimes painful, especially when they deal with the weakness of ourselves, and/or others. Those dreadful stories are told in the hopes that someone will relate and realize that there is HOPE for them in Jesus.
Our foster daughter had a terrible childhood prior to age 12 when we took her. It is only now she is able to write some of the things that happened to her. It seems to be a washing and cleansing even though she knows she is already secure in Christ. God has done a REAL work in her and we are proud of her.
We are at times our worst enemy, especially when we dwell on our past. It would be good to search the scriptures and find those who tell you WHO you ARE because of Jesus. You are a child and not a slave. You are free and not bound. You are secure and safe and no need to be fearful.
Your comments on my posts are always heart felt and comforting to me. I know that others feel the same way. You are a blessing as you write, and as you comment.
Friday, November 11, 2011 @ 6:30 pm
Ahh Hazel… This is a beautiful commentary. Your kind words are always a blessing to me and to others as well. I so appreciate your kindness and wisdom. God has gifted you with such a strength to share His love with passion with and for others. Your daughter is also a blessing to me. The life you’ve lived, the deeds you’ve done, speak to the heart of God within you. You are one special lady. I thank you for your time and friendship. I cherish it more than you know. Thank you.
Saturday, November 12, 2011 @ 11:44 am
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. -Romans 8:28 (NIV)
I’ve felt like this for a whole week. I finally have some time to sit down and write- words that I want to get out, but the words aren’t there yet. Thankfully, the real-life “whatever” is being taken care of by the Almighty, but wordless groans aren’t sufficient for a blog post.
Saturday, November 12, 2011 @ 3:15 pm
Well said my friend. Yeah, groans don’t come across too well over the internet! It’s a temporary fix, getting those words out… It rebuilds and comes back like the need for water.
Saturday, November 12, 2011 @ 2:12 pm
Since I’m not a writer I will reconcile my passion to the writers’ block that haunts you. Somedays are better than others. But with God and his will, we each can tear off a clean sheet of paper and give “it” another go! If “it” was easy would “it” hold your interest for another day? I think not.
The challenges (the cross we bear) in ones’ life, I view in a simple and common way. God gave each of us a mind with the ability to make choices; knowing that man would not always make the right choice, it’s like a test, you’re being graded on a curve …. you don’t have to get a 100%. God just wants to know if you’re studying, showing up on test days and that you’re trying. I just hope it’s a generous curve :). Bt
Saturday, November 12, 2011 @ 3:32 pm
It needs to be a generous curve for me! Well said BT. I thought of you when I wrote the analogy of loving and hating things like golf. Despite the frustration, we push on. Even when we have zero desire, something in us pushes us around that curve…
Monday, November 14, 2011 @ 7:59 pm
To quote you, “What the world needs is one more Christian writer.” Sometimes we question the value in our time spent spilling our guts or our hearts. This doubt and uncertainty is legendary for those of us who have been called to write. Yet, we just keep typing away, because we can’t quit.
Monday, November 14, 2011 @ 8:17 pm
I hear you Effie. Sometimes I just gotta get it off my chest. It helps me shake it off and begin again. Of course we all know that if it were easy there would be less value and gratification. We are indeed a weird lot!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 @ 2:17 pm
Hey Brother! Yes, Brother. Hearts and minds intertwined becasue we are born of the same Blood. You are more of a brother to me than my brothers by fleshly birth. You are a brother because of our relationship in Christ, In the Word and in sharing our hearts in order to minister to others.
Here’s what I think…”open your mouth and God will fill it!”
As He is, so are we in this world. Our worth comes directly from The Lord. I too, often feel like one little drop in the Big…BIG bucket. How effective am I? Well that is up to God…. and my obedience. I reach out in my little corner of the world – that is the only world I can go into. Whatever influence My words may have is up to the Father.
Same goes for you. All that matters is that you are faithful in your calling. In Him you live and move and have your being. Others will be moved by the words you share….God knows…. like a fire burning in your soul…you cannot help but say it!
Love and Blessings!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 @ 6:44 pm
Thank you my sister! I know that you have a huge impact in your world. In fact, in God’s economy, you may be one of His biggest hero’s! I always appreciate your kind words and wisdom. You are one of a kind!
Friday, December 30, 2011 @ 10:09 pm
I have read every one of your posts up to this point and I must say this is the most introspective. It must have been quite liberating for you. I know that transparency can be dangerous sometimes, but it suits you. There’s nothing pretentious about you. When you allow yourself to be this vulnerable with your readers, it only endears them to you more.
“The calling of our souls to share thoughts and words becomes like the hunger of our stomachs longing for food.” This is the real Floyd. As a reader, we want to know you. The more we know you, the more we are able to identify with you. The more we identify with you, the more we want to know because knowing you helps us understand ourselves.
For lack of a better word, I envy your need to get things on paper. My head and heart stay so full…when I finally do begin to speak, the words generally come out as ramblings. I am famous, with my close friends, for saying “Forgive me; I hope you can make sense of what I’m saying.” Hence the title of my blog, Chasing Rabbits. I have about 22 open posts right now that may never be finished. When I finally do sit down to put something on paper, it’s almost always in the form of phrases. Later, I go back and try to put them in some kind of sequence so as to make sense to the one who may read it. Just this morning God gave me something really special, but I didn’t have the time to stop and put it on paper. I remember thinking maybe I should get a recorder. I keep thinking my problem is just lack of discipline but the truth is, I’ve never had the passion you describe.
It is in the quiet, early morning hours that I do my most effective studying and praying; no distractions, just me and God…apparently, so it is for you. Excellent, truly excellent!
Friday, December 30, 2011 @ 10:35 pm
I can’t think of a better gift than the one you give me… Christmas or not, your wisdom and honesty make me a better person. God is in our truth… Pat, we’re not so different. I struggle with remembering the things that come to mind… I write on 8×1/2 x14 inch pads for this blog. I have stacks and stacks of them, sometimes 3, 4, or 5, never make it on to my site. When I wake up sometimes with a thought or dream about what is worthy of a story, i’ll write it in the margin of whatever pad I’m on. It is the ugliest scratch you’d ever want to see. I might post a picture one of these days.
I’m not sure how determine passion, but I do know that your writing touches people in a way that could only be God inspired. I remember last year, 2010, my favorite post of that year was yours. The one about the Veteran medic and his story and how God led you to him. It rattles me to the core just thinking about it. I guess it would be my favorite of all time.
Your a diamond. Please don’t hide the light God’s calling you to cast.
Happy New Year and God’s blessing to you and yours Pat.